My Life

Dammit Kids, WASH YOUR HANDS! The Poop, Pee And Puke Rant



Kids are nasty, filthy creatures that spread disease like rats in the dark sewers of New York City. They are constantly sick, which means everyone around them are constantly sick which creates an ever ending circle of coughing, runny noses, puke, and diaherra. It’s a war that can never be won. Sure we fight and win the occasional battles, but the war, we will never, ever win until kids start washing their damn hands and stop putting everything in their mouths.

I have three kids, and it seems like one of them is always sick, and then it spreads to the other kids, and then slowly but surely – it gets to me. I’m always the last, which is like a slap in the face because right when I think I’m in the clear, BOOM goes the dynamite and I catch whatever sickness these little rats are spreading. Before I had kids, I hardly ever got sick, but now with kids my life expectancy has dramatically been shortened, and at this rate I’ll be dead in my mid 40’s.

Dear Kids,

You all suck. Start washing your hands and stop shoving everything you find into your mouth. The only way you get a pass on this is if you are under 3 months old, after 3 months old you should know better.

Things you shouldn’t put in your mouths: Dirty socks, rocks, lizards, dirty diapers, dog toys, dog food, cat food, any kind of animal food, pet fur, pet poop, urinal cakes, kitty litter, or anything from your mothers top drawer of her night stand.

Things that should go into your mouth: Food, Water. That is all.

Sure its easy to just poop, pee and puke wherever you want, because you know that mommy or daddy will run over and clean it up, but its disgusting. The bathroom is the only appropriate place to do those things, not in the bed, the floor, the car, the pool or the kitchen floor. If nothing else, please try to make an effort to get to the bathroom, just sitting in your bed throwing up all over the place is not acceptable.

Start washing your hands. Oh, you say you can’t walk yet? So crawl. If you can’t crawl, ask your mommy or daddy to carry you to the sink. It’s not rocket science, just stop spreading germs. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick right now. As I type this my nose is full of green gunk and I’m coughing, and you know why? Because some kid at one of my kid’s school put his mouth all over the water fountain as he took a drink, which spread all over every other kid that also took a drink that day. So just stop it already, wash your hands and poop, pee and puke in the bathroom, do that and things will be a bit less sickly.


One sick dad who’s sick of being sick.

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Fact: Children that live on farms are healthier, get sick less frequently, have less allergies, and have substantially lower rates of autism, yet have had one form of animal, soil, feed, rocks, or other objects in thier hands and mouths at any given time. They also never use anti-bacterial soap or alcohol cleaners, because those destroy your immune system and the healthy bacteria on your body. Most of them get vaccinated too because their parents are used to the concept from vaccinating their animals.

I think it is our endless war to make things clean that makes us sick. If you are healthy, eat well, exercise regularly, have appropriate vaccinations, and clean with regular soap and water, my experience is your family never gets sick even when everyone around you does. Except for food borne illnesses like salmonella and weird crossover illnesses like the avian flu, you won't get sick from interacting with animals.

Then again, maybe some people naturally have a weaker immune system so they get sick more often regardless.

Try caring for livestock one day and see if you still think kids are gross ;) 

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