I’m really a bit pissed off. Yes, the guy who usually finds humor in just about any situation, has thrown in the towel on the funny and has jumped head first into a world of misery. Did I mentioned I was pissed? Well, I am.
Sunday, my wife decided it was time to clean out the van, because quite frankly the kids have made it a mess from the constant errands I have to run with them or driving them to and from school. When we first bought the van, that’s not even a year old mind you, my rule was simple: no eating or drinking in the van. Well just like any other rule you try to lay down with your children this lasted about a week, maybe a week and a half until we took our first road trip to the grandparents. I should have known better because as soon as we got into the car to head out, they immediately start asking for food, and well, to keep them from driving me crazy for the next two hours, I popped into the nearest drive-thru and picked them up something to eat; and that’s how it all started.
So after a few months, (I saw weeks but the wife says months) it was finally time to clean out the van, something that I was dreading. I climbed in and started looking around and the back of the van was littered with skittles, m&ms, french fries and toys and some stuff that I couldn’t even identify. Carrie, my wife, kept giving me this death stare and making comments about how the van was a mess, and how I should keep it cleaner and blah, blah, blah. She was visibly irritated and she immediately took over, jumped into the backseat with a bottle of cleaner and paper towels and went to work, and I quietly exited the vehicle and went to the trunk with the vacuum.
I shouldn’t have been intimated by my wife’s gazing stare and her disapproving parenting comments. I should have stood up to her and been like:
Look woman, I do the best I can! Some days it’s all I can do to drive off of bridge into shark infested waters, so excuse me if I let the kids have a snack on the way home from school. Want to see me on the news? Want to see me in a straight jacket screaming and quoting old French movies that I’ve never even seen? THEN BACK OFF!
But I didn’t, and in the end, it cost me dearly.
I started vacuuming and cleaning out the trunk, finding things that had no business even being in there such as; bottle rockets, clothespins, jar of mayonnaise, one headless barbie, a pack of melted crayon, 3 dimes, a penny and a chewed up piece of gum. After I had finished up I went around to the side door and peeped inside the dragon’s lair (my wife was still irritated) and I saw a pen stroke on the arm of one of the leather arms of one of the chairs of the second row. Now, the tables were turned and I was the irritated one, because she hadn’t noticed that my two year old daughter had a pen in her hand, and she should have been paying attention especially because my daughter is known to be quite an artist. So after we quickly de-penned her, I glanced into the backseat and my heart sank, and a fury erupted inside me that I hadn’t felt in days as I lay my eyes onto the horror before me:
And there you have it. My new mini van that’s not even a year old has been “decorated” (as my 4 year old calls it) with some one-of-a-kind artwork by my beautiful 2 year old daughter, Skylar.
“Having kids is the greatest gift ever bestowed upon us by God” – I heard someone say that once, and if I heard it said again, no matter who had said it; a doctor, a teacher, a preacher, an old lady at the grocery store buying fruit, I swear to Christ I would punch them right in their throat.