6:00 A.M – Time to wake up.
Usually when I wake up, I’m squished to the very edge of my King sized bed with baby feet in my face. If I’m lucky I’ve had 5 hours of sleep, but usually, no. Usually I’ve been awaken by our 2 year old she-devil as she cries, screams, giggles, punches and kicks me in the face. If none of these things have happened before 3 A.M, I’m pulling out my wife’s cosmetic mirror and checking to see if she’s breathing, because it’s not normal.
6:30 A.M – Time to shower.
If I’m lucky I’ll get some hot water, but not always. It depends on if my son beats me to the shower or not. He likes to stand in scolding hot water to wake himself up in the mornings, and it takes an act of Congress to get him out. I’m not exaggerating here when I say he likes the water so hot that when he gets out of the shower he is bright red. He gets to look cool and look like a Lobster, and I get to take an ice cold shower to start my day. He wins again.
*Sometimes I like to grill steaks while I shower. How else could I explain the fire in the gif?
7:15 A.M – I drive the kids to school
When I drive the kids to school I never quite know how it’s going to turn out. Sometimes it’s quiet and I can drink my coffee while day dreaming about how lucky I’d be if an alien space ship would come down and abduct me, and take me to a new planet without kids. But a lot of times it turns out to be my kids arguing and fighting about absolutely nothing.
Dad, Sydney is singing.
No, I’m not!
Yes you are Syd I just heard you, you were singing that Frozen song!
I have to get involved at this point.
Baby, try not to sing, okay? Jack’s tired in the mornings and he just wants it quiet on the way to school, okay baby?
She smiles and gives me a thumbs up.
3 seconds later I hear her singing, but she IS singing lower and I know she’s singing just loud enough so that her brother can hear her, and where she thinks that I can’t.
DAD! SYDNEY IS STILL SINGING!
NO I’M NOT JACK! YOU’RE LYING!
I chuckle. This drive just became very interesting.
NOON – I make lunch for my 2 year old
My 2 year old can eat. She will virtually eat anything not bolted to the floor. She eats like a Great White shark in a kiddie swimming pool. She is the sole reason why I have to hide while I eat, if she even thinks I’m eating, she will come running towards me waving her hands wildly, moaning and foaming at the mouth. Yesterday sadly, I ate a tuna fish sandwich in the bathroom.
*Disclaimer: Okay, so my daughter isn’t black, but I’m an equal opportunity blogger.
2:30 P.M – I head to car pool lane to pick up my 4 year old from Pre-K.
Even though I still have my 2 year old with me, I consider this my “free time” and before she picks up on bad words in my music, I listen to gangsta rap on the way to car pool. I figure I’ve listened to enough pop and Frozen songs (okay so I really don’t mind listening to Taylor Swift), that rapping along to rap songs kinda balances out the spectrum a bit. Sadly, I think this is coming to an end though because all of a sudden my 2 year old decided that she can talk, and the other day she dropped a “hey shawty, clap those ass cheeks” to my wife. Yeah. Doghouse central.
2: 50 P.M – My son gets home from school and I start my part time job as a referee
The kids like to fight. About anything.
Dad she got a bigger piece of watermelon than I did!
I didn’t get to put ketchup on my pancakes!
Why did she get to fall down and scrap her knee and I didn’t?
She had more water in her bath than I did.
She’s in my room.
She’s touching my important stuff.
She’s chewing with her mouth open.
He looked at me.
And so on and so on, until my head hurts so bad I can’t think straight and I just want to put a gun in my mouth.
5:00 P.M – I start dinner
By the time I start dinner I’m in that “leave me the F*ck alone” stage just counting the minutes until my wife gets home from work and just praying to god that she doesn’t have to work late or gets stuck in traffic. Sometimes I ace coking dinner and it turns out really good, and other times it ends up in a disaster or I just pop in a frozen pizza in the oven or pour bowls of cereal.
5:15 P.M – My wife gets home from work
Half of the time my wife gets home from work I’m waiting for her and before she even gets to the front door, I’m on the front porch greeting her with me screaming; “I’M OFF DUTY!” Maybe that’s a bit selfish since at this point I have no idea how her day went, but when I’m at my breaking point, I feel is very necessary to escape as fast as I possibly can before the dream killers see me and drag me back into the cold, dark, damp prison that they keep me chained up inside of.
So in a nut shell, this is a rough outline of the ‘hot spots’ of my day. Pretty glamorous eh? Speaking of, it’s almost lunch time, but I may get lucky, she ate a late breakfast of pancakes and ketchup, so I may get out of preparing lunch today.
Welcome to my life, the life of a Stay At Home Dad. Now please kill me; I need a vacation.